Kindergarten (again)

My baby starts Kindergarten tomorrow. My first child started kindergarten in 1979. A lot has changed since then. Kids seem older at a younger age. Teachers don't have the resources they used to have. All I know is my heart is going to be left behind when I give a kiss and say goodbye. I am going to trust the teacher to care for him, and listen to him. (Hopefully he will listen to her). I don't like seeing my little guy growing up. It is happening too fast. Raising him feels like it's on borrowed time, which I never felt the first time around. He is so precious to me. He is my little prince.

This I know to be true.....

Parenthood

    Today, it struck me that there should be a place for struggling parents to go for help and support. Something like a twelve step program, to give help, strength, understanding, fellowship and hope.
   Being the parent of a child who appears on the outside to be flaw free, but on the inside has challenges to overcome, had opened up the truth about just how isolating that can be.
    It has become apparent to me that there are several other parents of kids at our school who have similar issues. They struggle, just like me....
    There have been few mornings this pre-k year that my child and I have not parted with great anxiety. It isn't the end of the world.by any means, but living it day after day is frustrating, confusing, exhausting, embarrassing  and just plain hard. Some days it takes hours to shake the picture of him clinging to me begging me not to go.
   I have witnessed  other parents going through different, but consistent  struggles with their little ones.
    Just to be heard, even if not understood can be so helpful. I feel sorry that it has taken me the whole year to really notice the need for a support group.
   The simple truth is, not all kids are easy to manage.

Reality in the fullest.

   When I was a very young adult, my grandfather shared some startling news with me. It was so startling that I remember it as if it was yesterday.
   This was a man that almost always had a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eye. He loved to play with us when we were kids, and I believed he never had a care in the world. He had a very positive attitude. He had been successful in his career, had a nice life, good kids, a successful marriage, and the whole bit.
   This is what he shared. He first told me that getting old was "hell". Then he proceeded to tell me that even though on the outside he appeared as an older person, on the inside he felt exactly as he had when he was 18. That if he didn't know better, he would believe he was still the same young man.
   At the time, I actually didn't believe him. Although I had never known him to lie, I felt he must be making all of it up.
   Now fast forward 30 years. Now I am experiencing his words from his side of the equation. Now I realize what he told me was exactly right an d true. Aging is an oddity, for although the outside changes drastically, the inside remains relatively unchanged.
   Thank you grampa for your truth, and for sharing it with me, even though at the time I was far to young to understand.

My opinions today.

There are so many things to think about while raising a child today. I don't agree with the current attitude of the education system. It seems to me that nowadays people want their kids plugged in and full of learning as soon as they leave the womb. The thought of not putting a kid in pre-k would be unheard of. Heaven forbid they should be behind in anything. However, the brillance of minds is everywhere. Our society has lunged forward with technology as never before. Funny, I'll bet many of the brilliant people in the world didn't start school until they were five. I have one child that is a doctor. She happens to be the only one who disliked preschool so much that I took her out and kept her home until kindergarten. Then, after one or two teary eyed mornings, she soared. With this being said, I haven't touched on my greatest fear....the effect it is going to have on my youngest child when he realizes that neither of his parents cared enough about him to put him first. That trulty breaks my heart....

Grandparenting

   I am feeling the need to be brutally honest here. One week and five days ago one of the most relevant people in my life died. My aunt. She was a very special person, inside and out. Having her gone  leaves me feeling very alone in this world. She was the person I could share my thoughts, fears, dreams, frustrations and questions with, without fear of judgment. I am extremely sad, and in the realm of deep grieving.
    Two very special people had birthdays last week, which we were not able to celebrate until today. I wasn't feeling exactly up to entertaining, but knew it was the right thing to do, and looked forward to it as much as possible under the circumstances.
     For whatever reason, my youngest child decided this was the particular event to go totally wild at. Before dinner there were antics, but during dinner he had to be removed from the room for total disrespect of everyone present.
    This would not be that unusual of an event, but I am 60. It would have been stressful at 20 something, but at 60 it is exhausting.
     I adore my child, and an so blessed to have him in my life, and my home. However, raising a child at this age is a task that is not for sissies. the physical endurance required is not to be underestimated. The emotional toll is almost overwhelming. The care required to raise this little boy takes just about everything I have, which brings me back to a day full of guests. There are emotions involved in inviting my family over, when I know that I am going to be almost totally wrapped up with a four year old. To say that I don't feel guilty would be a total lie. I have other grandchildren, and grown children that now have to take a back seat due to the time and effort required to raise a small child at this stage in life.
   Adoption is always a big deal, but adopting a grandchild brings into play many complicated scenarios. First, it means that I am older. Especially since this is the child of my youngest biological child, and he being my fifth biological child. Second, it means that I felt it necessary to claim that my own son was not taking care of his child. Third, it means that my adopted child will someday realize that my youngest son is his bio-dad.

     Anyway, that is not really what is on my mind at this moment. What is really on my mind is the tremendous sacrifice that not only my husband and I have made, but the new realities all of our grown children have to deal with.    

Stepping Up

   For the past four years, stepping up is the cornerstone of my life. Whether I feel like it or not, I step up. When I'm tired, I step up. In the middle of the night, I step up. This is what parenting is all about, even if you are way past childbearing age.....it's exactly the same.